self-doubt & regrets - 2010 edition

I am beginning to feel better. To be honest, I was having a hard time believing this day would ever come. I've been less depressed lately and have figured out a way to put myself to sleep (rescue drops work wonders on me). Also this deep exhaustion seizes control of me a lot less than it used to only a couple of weeks ago. Basically it's a whole new me. I'm nowhere near my old self but then that crazy lady isn't exactly who I should be anyway. I'm beginning to see how other people (used to) perceive me. Apparently a lot of people see me as this super fast, hyper active, hyper performing, constantly on-the-move person. A stark contrast to my self-perception: underachieving mess.

Unfortunately the minus of exhaustion coupled with that lovely opinion I have of myself leads to the return of THE THINKING (= certain doom). It takes place mostly late-night. However, thanks to my friends the rescue drops I now do this half-asleep or in my dreams instead of wide awake. That's some progress, I say.

Sooooo... I've been thinking. About the things in my life that I could've done differently which, if you spell it out, basically means: self doubt and regrets chasing each other in a nice little circle... ad infinitum. What'cha call that? That's right: "Not healthy". But I've accepted it as part of my old self as well as part of my recovery - because I am getting better at this, learning to view things in a positive light et cetera et cetera, I know it's nauseatingly esoteric and I apologise in retrospect and advance.

Since I hit 22 or so I've had an even harder time accepting that my choices have kept me here in crummy Austria while others have been out conquering the world, as I see it. The worst are ex-classmates from school that have gone to New York/L.A./London/pickyourfuckingawesomecity, totally absolutely making it there. It's especially bad when they were so-called frenemies (though we didn't have that lovely label when I was in school, thank you, Gossip Girl). Then the green monster rears it fucking ugly head. I get jealous, more like envious. Is it dumb? Absofuckinglutely. But I've begun to understand that this isn't my especially bad character that's doing this but that it rings true for other people too. Maybe not for you, if you're lucky. But just think of one of your biggest dreams in life - Got it? Good. Now envision it. And now imagine reading on facebook how someone else is living that dream.... ouch. And would you like some salt with your gashing wound? Btw. yes, I do know that people brush up their lives on facebook, but that doesn't mean it'll sting less.

But since I said I was going to be positive:
So I didn't make my dream to go to New York and Be Someone come true - yet.
So I haven't actually been quite the overachiever I imagined myself to be. (My burnout would probably be a lot messier if I had.)
So I don't exactly know where I'm going or am just figuring it out at the age of 26.

But there are good sides to this, very good sides. If I'd lived my life like I thought I would when I was sixteen, I would have missed out on a shitload of awesomeness too:
Biggest of all is I met my wife! I mean, who gets to meet the love of their lives when their 21? Not many people I've known. I do not have to spend years as a serial monogamist looking for my soulmate because I can check that item off the fucking list. High Five!
I have a somewhat stable living situation, not living out of a tiny box in a shared flat or a garconniere and I usually have some money to spend at the end of the months or even the middle if it goddamn pleases me (at least when we're not both momentarily out of work).
And I've worked a variety of different jobs in completely different fields of work. I've worked as a journalist, a phone marketer, an animator at children's parties, as an usher in a musical theatre, as a floor manager in television, an editing assistant, in a PR position (in fact, the only PR position) in a small company, a social media marketer and I'm sure I forgot something. I've had the chance to test myself, to adapt, to learn new things and if that isn't awesome then I really don't know what is.

Now what I need to really get is that all this doesn't mean that I can't still go to New York or wherever the fuck I please and be someone there. It doesn't preclude that I already am someone, right here.

I'd love to hear some opinions on this, know how others deal with these bouts of self doubt. Or do you not have those moments? Please, tell me you have those moments ;)

This post could almost be by a non-damaged person

I could give you my "been meaning to blog" speech and all that yadda yadda but I'll leave my where-was-I post for another time. Right now let me just say that we've got a couple of miracles going on here right now.

1. we went out tonight

2. I had fun - pure, undamaged fun with no "oh shit, I just dropped my happy mask" moments

3. we stayed out late

4. and then didn't opt for a taxi but took the public transport/walking option home (there are people in public transport, so usually when it's late we always, infallibly go for taxi

I don't exactly know how it happened, but I really had no waning-strength-moments tonight, I was capable of coherent thoughts AND able to turn them into sentences that could be understood by others. I met a bunch of new people tonight, most of which I quite liked. So in my current way of life that makes me practically a social butterfly ;)

I almost don't care whether tonight I'll finally be able to sleep again. Almost...


Edit: I haven't managed to go to bed yet, be it because I'm scared of the inevitable seeming non-sleep, be it because I just needed to have this moment to myself (Finn is already in bed). It's getting light outside and I'm remembering all those nights I walked home - never really drunk, maybe a little tipsy - into the sunrise, sitting on my windowsill with a cup of tea. In fact, I think that is the best part of staying out late! I miss that. I'd do it a lot more often if it wasn't such a bitca for fucking with my sleep cycle. It's kind of hard to be a functioning part of society when you're nights become your days. But for now I'm okay sitting here with my cup of PG Tips, hearing the birds wake up, listening to a song and getting ready to crawl into bed with my sleeping wife.