1000 words - July 9th, 2011

“Silence!”

“Goddamnit, can you just quiet down so we can start this session!?”

It's always hard to get them to sit down and shut the hell up. First of all it's a bit complicated keeping the vampires and the zombies apart, what with one side being really smart and the other showing a certain demand for cerebral activity. We don't refer to them as “craving brains” because we want to get away from the stereotypes. We're trying to be politically correct, at least in here. It took us a while to figure out a way to keep them separated during the sessions, but Frankie does a pretty good job. We just seat him between the vamps and the zombies and each will keep to their own side of the aisle, because no one wants to get too close to him. In all honesty, he stinks. You'd think Mister Superbrain Frankenstein would have thought to include a working intestinal tract in his oh so amazing creation, but no. Too much hassle if you're power thirsty, I guess. No wonder monsters have a bad rep.

But today Frankie is late so the vamps and the zombies are of course squabbling right in front of my lectern. They're at a bit of an impasse because the zombies are way to slow to catch the vampires who like to taunt them. On the other hand the zombies aren't exactly a feast for the vamps unless they're dieting again. Doesn't keep them from messing with each other though. “Oh thank the Gods, Frankie, there you are! Can you please separate these idiots?” He grunts, then parts the huddled mess of hissing and clawing monsters like Moses did the red sea. It's fascinating. Sad thing too, since he's actually a really nice chap and I hate to use him like this.

“Jessica, Blake, could you please stop and pay attention”. Perched in the very last row, they're making out again. Like a pair of horny teenagers. Well, actually, I'm glad Jessica and Blake are an item, since it keeps her occupied. Not so the other sirens. “Girls, can you please postpone your attempts to make the guys crazy until after the session? See, now you made one of the werewolves run into a wall again.” They're always a bit more stupid and a lot more testy as well this close to the full moon. So of course, now he's going to get pissed off because the sirens played him and he's going to change and attack someone and all the hors d'oeuvres are going to go flying again and... - OH NO, THE HORS' D'OEVRES! “Hey you, newbie Minotaur in the back, can you please stop that. The food is for afterwards. Please choose a seat, we're about to begin. Watch those horns! And try not to sit on the ghosts please.” Why do I even bother with this job? I am way to old for this crap.

Okay, the vampires are finally sitting, and have apparently settled for hissing at the zombies who are longingly, but fortunately quietly, staring at them. The vamps also seem to be having enough blood bags for now. Though I should make a note to send Griffin to swipe some more from the clinic so we can stash them in the fridge. I do not want to repeat The Hunger Bloodbath of 2008, thank you very much. We lost half our people and couldn't get the iron smell out of this place for weeks. I might as well tell him now, it doesn't seem they're going to quiet down anytime soon. “Griffin? You there?” “Yep”, he's so close he makes me almost jump out of my skin. “Damn, Griffin, how often have I tell you not to sneak up on me like that?” “Sorry. You know I sometimes forget I'm invisible”. Great, now he's sulking. Better occupy him before he starts crying his invisible tears again. “Griffin, I'm sorry. I'm a bit testy today, this chaos is much worse than usual. I really just wanted to remind you to please get some more blood bags for next time. It seems they're going to clean us out today.” “Okay, boss.” “Thank you.”

Now where were we?. Yes. Vampires – check. Zombies – check. Frankie is doing his job well. And it seems that roaring werewolf has been restrained by his buddies, and the sirens are huddled, giggling, in a corner. Except for Jessica and Blake. Still making out. Obviously. “Kids! I swear I will sic the basilisk on you and then you'll be sucking face forever!”

Ah there's the golem, late as always and... “Hey, dude, can you stop dripping mud all over the carpet? We just got the blood out, I don't want to have to have it dry-cleaned again. You know there are plastic sheets at the back. Can someone please get him one? No no, not one of the mummies!” They tend to trip on their bandages and I'm glad they're sitting already. If one gets up, chances are the others will too, because they'll have gotten their threads mixed up again and suddenly we're trailing bandages everywhere and have heap of mummies on the floor. Wonderful, at least one of the wolves is sane enough today and is not stuffing a plastic sheet under the golem's chairs. They forgot to wrap the chairs. That'll take me hours to clean, but honestly, by now I'm just glad to get this over with. Now where's my gavel?

“Okay, people, I think we're finally ready to begin. Sit your asses down or I will bite your fucking heads off!” Finally. Quiet. And it seems of the lasting kind. I hate to use threats but sometimes that's the only thing that will shut them up. “Okay, let's start. First of all, welcome to anyone who's here for the first time. We're looking forward to be there for you. You're expected to follow the rules and fulfill your duties and in turn we will be your family. We will be there for you when you're successful and when you're in doubt and need help. I will kick this off and then we'll hear from the regulars and by the time it is your turn you should be clear on how this works.”

“Hi, my name is Dracula, and I'm a monster. I haven't killed anybody in fiftyninethousand and eighthundredninetynine days. Welcome to Monsters Anonymous.”


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