I'm fucking losing it today and by now I'm completely confused as to what the hell to blame.
Am I just pms-ing because I'm late and it's making me hella cranky. Or am I actually depressed again. I don't know what the hell is going on with me. On the one hand I have so many ideas that I want to get a start on, on the other hand I fucking can't. I want to clean up my shit but all I feel like doing is sit in a corner, curl up in a ball and cry. I want to be calm and collected but I end up wanting to scream at the top of my lungs because I hate myself so much. I can't stand this person who can not do anything. Who can't get out of bed and off the couch and away from the tv and the xbox. Not that the tv and the xbox are making me happy. but they don't require much effort. Everything is tugging at my patience. The bunnies have been fighting pretty much constantly for almost a week now, which is exhausting because we have to race to the living room all the time and make them stop before they fucking kill each other. I'm exhausted and sad and tired and I want to sleep but I can't, not properly. I really really just want to be happy again. I know that I have so much to be happy about but I just don't feel it, the happy. I take out the ukulele and it bores me. The tv bores me. The xbox bores me. My books bore me. Making jewelry bores me. Writing fiction is out of the question because I can't fucking stand myself enough to spend that kind of time with me. I keep yelling and unraveling and I am so fucking sorry because I'm doing this to my wife who's been nothing but loving and helpful and supportive. And I'm being irrational and snappy.
I'm seeing the psych lady again on monday and she better help me this time. Because I'm seriously ready for the meds now.
I just want to be okay.