The fortune cookie is a fucking liar!

There's a ton of shit I haven't told you. Or maybe I have, that is if you've seen me in reality instead of in writing only. But if you only read me you definitely don't know this. What happened?

Back in November I got a job. Then in January I got a new job. One I deemed better. Then I got a new iPod - but that might be a little irrelevant however very pleasing. And now I have no job. I got fired. Not exactly sure what for, but in a very informal text message I was told to not bother to come since a replacement had been found for me. Mmmmkay... That was last weekend. Ever since I have been irritating people by being spectacularly nonchalant and chipper about this. It's not even a fake chipperness (chipperyness? chipness?), I am actually, fantastically okay with this. I did like the job, don't get me wrong, at first at least but last week I found myself beginning to wonder how to get rid of it without being a complete asshole; See, text message quitting is not my thing. Ahem. Ironically.

I felt like I was wasting time. There was nothing wrong with the job per se, but it was keeping me from something. For the first time in a very long time I have been feeling the need to go forward. It was odd, what with all the delving into my past and feeling stuck in the present (= the sofa) I couldn't place it at first. I thought I was just getting restless again. I know the feeling, the urge to run, I know it well. All my life I have been told that I give up too easily just like I've been told that my father was like that too. Giving up, throwing in the towel, being a loser. Why thank you very much for that compliment... But you were wrong, that's not it at all. I finally figured out me and my father. We were, in fact, not quitting things fast enough; We got ourselves stuck in the wrong things because we didn't dare quit them for fear of what that would say about us. Of course, I'll never know this certainly about my father but I can definitely confirm this for myself. I have wasted so much frakkin' time sticking to things that I very early on discovered were making me unhappy just because I didn't want to look like a quitter - weak, uncertain, undecided.

But that made me weak in the first place! I get now that walking away would've been the much braver choice. I always did it in the end but I could've spared myself so much pain if I'd only done it faster, the instant I knew for sure, follow my instinct instead of keeping up appearances. I believed them when they told me I was running away, but damnit I was running towards something, couldn't they see that? I couldn't, not for sure, not without giving in to the doubt that was implanted in me so carefully all my life. It took me all these years and getting fired at the right moment to see it. Getting the boot was a blessing! Otherwise I would've held out just like that fortune cookie said years ago: With perseverance you should go ahead. (Don't ask me how I'm still remembering a fortune cookie I ate about a decade ago but can't remember to take out the trash when I leave the house...)

I would've waited too long, again, just to keep up appearances. Well, pardon my language, but fuck perseverance, and fuck appearances. I'm done walking through doors that turn out to be nothing but the fake door leading to the back of the stage. The next door I'm taking I'll sniff the air first, see if there's an actual horizon waiting.

self-doubt & regrets - 2010 edition

I am beginning to feel better. To be honest, I was having a hard time believing this day would ever come. I've been less depressed lately and have figured out a way to put myself to sleep (rescue drops work wonders on me). Also this deep exhaustion seizes control of me a lot less than it used to only a couple of weeks ago. Basically it's a whole new me. I'm nowhere near my old self but then that crazy lady isn't exactly who I should be anyway. I'm beginning to see how other people (used to) perceive me. Apparently a lot of people see me as this super fast, hyper active, hyper performing, constantly on-the-move person. A stark contrast to my self-perception: underachieving mess.

Unfortunately the minus of exhaustion coupled with that lovely opinion I have of myself leads to the return of THE THINKING (= certain doom). It takes place mostly late-night. However, thanks to my friends the rescue drops I now do this half-asleep or in my dreams instead of wide awake. That's some progress, I say.

Sooooo... I've been thinking. About the things in my life that I could've done differently which, if you spell it out, basically means: self doubt and regrets chasing each other in a nice little circle... ad infinitum. What'cha call that? That's right: "Not healthy". But I've accepted it as part of my old self as well as part of my recovery - because I am getting better at this, learning to view things in a positive light et cetera et cetera, I know it's nauseatingly esoteric and I apologise in retrospect and advance.

Since I hit 22 or so I've had an even harder time accepting that my choices have kept me here in crummy Austria while others have been out conquering the world, as I see it. The worst are ex-classmates from school that have gone to New York/L.A./London/pickyourfuckingawesomecity, totally absolutely making it there. It's especially bad when they were so-called frenemies (though we didn't have that lovely label when I was in school, thank you, Gossip Girl). Then the green monster rears it fucking ugly head. I get jealous, more like envious. Is it dumb? Absofuckinglutely. But I've begun to understand that this isn't my especially bad character that's doing this but that it rings true for other people too. Maybe not for you, if you're lucky. But just think of one of your biggest dreams in life - Got it? Good. Now envision it. And now imagine reading on facebook how someone else is living that dream.... ouch. And would you like some salt with your gashing wound? Btw. yes, I do know that people brush up their lives on facebook, but that doesn't mean it'll sting less.

But since I said I was going to be positive:
So I didn't make my dream to go to New York and Be Someone come true - yet.
So I haven't actually been quite the overachiever I imagined myself to be. (My burnout would probably be a lot messier if I had.)
So I don't exactly know where I'm going or am just figuring it out at the age of 26.

But there are good sides to this, very good sides. If I'd lived my life like I thought I would when I was sixteen, I would have missed out on a shitload of awesomeness too:
Biggest of all is I met my wife! I mean, who gets to meet the love of their lives when their 21? Not many people I've known. I do not have to spend years as a serial monogamist looking for my soulmate because I can check that item off the fucking list. High Five!
I have a somewhat stable living situation, not living out of a tiny box in a shared flat or a garconniere and I usually have some money to spend at the end of the months or even the middle if it goddamn pleases me (at least when we're not both momentarily out of work).
And I've worked a variety of different jobs in completely different fields of work. I've worked as a journalist, a phone marketer, an animator at children's parties, as an usher in a musical theatre, as a floor manager in television, an editing assistant, in a PR position (in fact, the only PR position) in a small company, a social media marketer and I'm sure I forgot something. I've had the chance to test myself, to adapt, to learn new things and if that isn't awesome then I really don't know what is.

Now what I need to really get is that all this doesn't mean that I can't still go to New York or wherever the fuck I please and be someone there. It doesn't preclude that I already am someone, right here.

I'd love to hear some opinions on this, know how others deal with these bouts of self doubt. Or do you not have those moments? Please, tell me you have those moments ;)