before the storm

The birds are chirping in the early evening warmth, the sounds from the city streets are oddly muted. I'm alone in the flat, I have nice music on and am sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee. The bunnies are contentedly munching on hay.

It's an eerie calm-before-the-storm-feeling.

In an hour Finn will come home and my second producer will show up and so will my brand new assistant director. And we will hold our production meeting and get some last minute stuff done because tomorrow is our first shoot day.

In one hour this place will be loud and crazy and wonderful and exciting. But for now it's just me and a cup of coffee and a long-overdue blog post. For now it's a peaceful quietness in my heart, with traces of nervousness infused.

Tomorrow I start shooting my very first film. Tomorrow.
Today I get to have coffee and music on the couch. If only for one hour.

the upside of sick

Being home sick means I get to catch up on my huge pile of want-to-see movies, and flesh out in my head the kind of films I want to make and don't want to make. And whether shite or brilliant, I do always learn something about filmmaking, if only how not to do it.

I tend to give rom coms a chance because there is a handful of movies from that category that has surprised me very pleasantly. But this time I wasn't lucky with the rom coms. One I had to shut down after 15 excruciating minutes (I'm not even going to tell you what it was it's that embarrassingly dumb). But that happens and you have to cut your losses and turn them off before your brain shrivels up. And the other one, The Decoy Bride, I probably would have turned off had it not been for Kelly Macdonald who is always a pleasure to watch. But the writing was not up to par, neither was the directing, and, sadly, David Tennant who I usually love apparently phoned it in that day.

But I've been quite lucky in my other picks this past week. I've not picked a single fantasy or sci fi movie, I guess because I usually watch those with Finn Porter. Instead I went straight for those lovely slightly-indie-but-with-a-reasonably-known-cast films that she rarely goes for.

I watched the Four-Faced Liar (very indie), One Day (a lot more Hollywood), Last Night, and Like Crazy. The only one veering from the theme I inadvertently had going on there was The Descendants, which was oddly also the movie I least liked. I'd sum it up as Alexander Payne doing the same thing he did years ago in About Schmidt, with different actors and in a different landscape. Otherwise his imagery remains completely unchanged which I see as a lack of development. Sure, it's great to have a trademark as an artist but you'd want to develop your style further, no?

But the other films have all touched me in some way, in ways pertaining to relationships. The Four-Faced Liar and Last Night both deal with betrayal and lies - but in completely different way. One is loud and crazy and funny in between the drama while the other has a quiet intensity that I found riveting.

Like Crazy has a bit of both; it's quirky and odd in this indie kind of way that everyone finds adorable (think Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist), but can also be quiet and intense and in those quiet moments excelling in music choice and cinematography. One Day is maybe a bit heavy on the drama but its very distinct style of telling the story makes up for that from a learning perspective, and I'd be lying if I said the romance didn't get to me.

I find myself drawn to these perceptive, grown-up films that deal with grown up relationships and their issues, and don't claim to have the answers; Movies that end with an intake of breath instead of an exhale. When I say I don't particularly like happy endings in movies I don't mean I like bad endings. Life generally come with neither, not that distinctly in any way. I like to be kept guessing, because that's what's inspiring.

I regard it as such a privilege when I get to watch a film that really speaks to something inside of me and especially Last Night and Like Crazy have done exactly that. Three hours very well spent, and I am grateful for that.

Now, what next? I'm almost scared I could break this lucky streak of movie choices.

In which she rambles, a lot.

Hello interwebs, I've had some blogological issues lately. Mostly because I've been trying to be a responsible person. I've been trying to get to bed at a reasonable time, midnight-ish - which actually does me a ton of good. The problem: I write at night. Ergo I blog at night. Yeah, and those have been short lately, so me no writey.
But I met up with a new acquaintance with very reasonable friend potential (I think we hit it off) and we talked about writing which made me realise: damn, I haven't been doing that. At all. In a long time. I even have blog laziness. It's not the lack of ideas; I've had about a million and one these past weeks, but I'd have to get it all in order and my mind's a mess, really. Plus there's that issue with nights being in short supply around here.

side note: the 21-year old me, the one that wasn't old and married, would stay up nights, write frantically until dawn or chat to other insomniac friends online while listening to music. But that 21-year old chick didn't get a hangover feeling in the morning just by staying up past her bedtime sans alcohol. This almost-27-year-old does, however; and it ain't pretty.


But since I've already passed my reasonable-bedtime by mindless websurfing I might as well do something useful. Like give an update.

I got a lot better these past weeks. And then I got worse again. My old habits got the better of me. For the past two weeks I've had something (from doctor's appointments to social things to simply running errands) every fucking day and it's been getting to me. I have to make a conscious effort to slow down in order to avoid that train right back to burn-out-ville. Which of course keeps me from getting things done. Which I really can't handle all that well, being the fucked up control freak that I am. So there's that.

Also, I have noticed an increased amount of man-crushes of mine lately. There's David Tennant for one, who I've been absolutely drooling over in Doctor Who and Single Father. (Seriously, that ass!) I have also bookmarked a shitload of Jack/Ianto FanFic. And I notice men (the real kind too, not just on TV), which I also haven't done in ages. It's sort of interesting, that part of my sexuality and sexual identity that I am still figuring out after all these years. I mean, I've been straight and bi and gay a couple of times before realising that no label really fits; I've been in a relationship with the woman who is undoubtedly the love of my life for 5 1/2 years; I haven't slept with a guy in more than seven (!) years and haven't met one that interested me on a deeper level way longer than that; and yet I still find myself looking at men again "like that" suddenly or not so suddenly. Kinsey would've had some fun with me. Strictly academically, I mean. Although... ;)

In other (very short) news:

• I'm pure and utter chaos, immovable object style. It has yet to encounter the unstoppable object of discipline.
• Therapy can be a bitch!
• I've been starting to work on some projects (most of them are only in my head as of now, but at least one is real)
• One of the real projects is a webseries I have slyly snuck into to hone my camera, editing and maybe writing skills har har
• I miss my dad, more again lately, it must be because of Christmas being around the corner
• I've been trying to make an effort of meeting new people, to turn mere acquaintances into something stronger if it has the potential. Even if it means making the scary move of initiating communication (look at me being all outgoing with my diploma in communication haha and so graceful even! )
• I'm going to have to have my frenulum (lower lip) sliced up and elongated. Apparently a pretty painless, fast procedure but I'm still not too happy about it of course.
• I'm working on losing weight (a "diet" that basically consists of simply not overeating. Mindshatteringly revolutionary, isn't it?)
• I've been playing a lot of Splinter Cell: Conviction.
• I'm still looking for a new apartment for us. Bigger, better, awesomer. Yeah, try finding that...
• I suddenly got very tired *yawn*

I've probably forgotten about a load of topics again, but sleep is overwhelming. Brain shutting down.