I haven't been talking about mental health in a while. mostly because I haven't had any problems with that lately – or at least not the obvious ones but more about that further down. I understand now that my ADHD is not a mental health issue but a learning disability so that is why I can actually confidently say I haven't had any mental health problems lately. However, as some of my readers might remember, I did have my brush with depression and burn-out most probably caused by undiagnosed ADHD and years of overworking myself and not taking care of my needs.
I'm bringing the topic up again because I just watched this mindblowing TED Talk by Eleanor Longden, proving to me, once again, that it is imperative we talk about mental health. We need to destigmatise. At one point she says that hearing voices is very much a 'sane reaction to insane circumstances', and I'm thinking that might be true for many mental health 'issues'; simply our bodies being smart enough to say, 'Hold on a second, we need to deal with this'.
I've begun to understand that my body has ways of communicating too. For instance, when I'm not happy about something I have physical reactions to those feelings. It's taken me a bit to figure out that this is the case, and I'm still learning the correspondences, but there are a couple of things I now have a better grasp of:
There's an obvious one. When I get really nervous about something (i.e. a job interview) I get the shits. Well sorry, that's just how it is. I've heard that a lot of people have that. You're nervous about an exam, a job interview or a performance, you end up spending some time on the loo, but as soon as you're on your way to The Scary Thing your body calms down.
But then there are the more finicky signs, the one's we don't learn about like we do about stage fright or 'nerves'.
Sometimes I get a lump in my throat, this intense feeling that I can't swallow. I used to think it was related to gastritis because that was when it first showed up. But now I know that it's simply a sign that an uncertain situation is stressing me out. Like, knowing my financial situation is approaching panic mode. I got it when I was fired 4 weeks ago and it went away when I got hired last week. Uncertainty is a big trigger: The lump in my throat resurfaced for a day last week when it suddenly became uncertain what exactly my field of work would be at the new place. It was a highly chaotic situation and it was stressing me out. Sometimes it can be something as simple as not knowing what I have planned for the day that sets it off but most of the time I'm sweating the big stuff.
Sometimes this is what our bodies are trying to tell us, only less strikingly. (c) 2011
When my stomach begins to burn it means I am stressing out about something that is not external but internal. A job situation I want to get out of because it is not right for me anymore. My own work load and/or the pressure I put on myself. An emotional situation that I haven't yet figured out how to solve.
I rarely get headaches so I haven't figured those out yet. But when my ear starts to ring or gets plugged it means I need to find some peace and quiet. To meditate. Breathe. To be by myself, to not do anything.
I have learned to read these signs and feelings. And, usually, by acknowledging them, by hearing what they are trying to communicate – a bit like Longden's voices –, by promising that I will deal with the root of the problem, these pains and aches go away. Unless I postpone treating the problem indefinitely. But they absolutely have a right to show up again because, apparently, I didn't get the message the first time.
I guess it's time to say, 'Thank you, body. You're a good one. You tell me what I need to hear, and I promise to listen.'
Be warned, this is a long post and it get's a bit complicated about ADHD treatments and medications. I try to explain as best as I can and simply share my experience with the drugs.
Oh man, these past few weeks have put me through the wringer!
It's been 1.5 years since my ADHD diagnosis, a little less since I started medication.
Remember Charlie? You know, my elephant? He went away, thank fuck. But then the Strattera made me motion sick, like, all the time and I threw up into a public trashcan two days before Christmas. Goodbye Strattera, back to Ritalin - long acting this time, called Concerta. I take the tab in the morning and it releases amounts of MPH into my bloodstream throughout the day. Peachy.
Basically, since the beginning of 2012 my life has mostly been awesome thanks to Concerta. I thought I had it all figured out by now, would simply pop 18mg of Concerta every morning and go about my life. Until it started to be less effective. I didn't notice it at first but in retrospect it started to wane when I started working and leading a more active life, having longer days, in August/September 2012. Then the anxiety started. Then I noticed. Oh boy, did I notice, about 1-2 months ago.
I can't really tell because it snuck up. At first I thought: "Oh I'm just having some rebound issues in the evening" and I'd pop a booster Ritalin and be fine. Then it turned into a sort of constant reboundish feeling, then into a tenseness that I can only describe as ongoing anxiety. MPH can exacerbate anxiety but you see, I never had anxiety. Yes, I'm a worry wart but that's not anxiety - I don't usually grit my teeth, clench my jaw and contract what feels like ALL THE MUSCLES in my body ALL THE TIME.
This is how I feel inside recently. W00t! Anxiety!
This is how it makes me look on the outside.
When my full blown ADHD symptoms came back it became obvious that something wasn't working. I saw my doctor and tried a couple of things. Still am trying, in fact.
The major problem with ADHD is that it's such a volatile thing because they still haven't figured out the exact brain science behind it. There is no physical sign in the human brain for it but it's not just a psychological thing either because it has to do with dopamine levels. And dopamine is tricky. One medication will help one person but not another. Sometimes it stops working. Sometimes the body adjust and the dosage needs to be raised. Sometimes the body adjusts so much that the medication loses effect completely.
For some people stimulants (Amphetamine, Methylphenidate) work. Others can use non-stimulant medication (i.e. Strattera). Not all drugs are licensed in all countries. Canadians and Americans have more options. For instance in Europe Vyvanse (Lisdexamfetamine) still isn't available.
Exercise and diet have some form of impact on ADHD (medication) as well but it's an ongoing debate as to how much exactly. Some claim supplements can help - omega fatty acids, glutamine, vitamins (I've been taking high amounts of Omega-3 and Omega-6 for a while now). ADHD is generally poorly researched in adults because for a long time it was believed to cease in adulthood.
With all this going on it is no small wonder a lot of ADHDers opt to ditch the meds and to continue muddling through.
Experiment 1: The Med Holiday
I didn't take my meds for four days to reboot my system, basically. It went somewhat like this:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Andie is sitting in a comfy chair, laptop open. Her friends has just left.
ANDIE (V.O.)
I want to get some work done like I usually do. Oh hai, looksie, there are people talking. What are they talking about? It sounds interesting. I'll just listen a bit. Oh wait, I wanted to work.
Andie opens her browser, mail client, twitter.
ANDIE (CONT.)
Oh look! Someone posted a video to twitter. Funny! Oh hai YouTube, you have more videos for me? Awesome! Oh people! Talking! Listen. Do I know her? She seems familiar. I could ask her if she's that girl I think she is. But what if that's weird? Also: I have work to do. She sounds like her too. I'll just ask her. Oh crap that was awkward. But at least now I know that I know her. Why does it help me to know that I know her? I think my pulse is really high. Is my pulse really high? I should get out of here, like, stat. Get home, calm down. Maybe going cold turkey is a bit crap.
After four days off of medication Andie has calmed down. All her ADHD symptoms are back but the anxiety is gone. She's also super sluggish and depressed and feels like she's not getting anything done. A lot of WoW is played during those days. All the food is eaten. Sleep is apparently overrated.
Experiment 2: Going Back on the Old Dosage - Monday
After successfully having rebooted my system I started back on the 18 mg of Concerta. This proves a useful method for most people so it was worth a try.
Monday and Tuesday went pretty well. Uneventful.
On Wednesday I had some rebound and took a Ritalin booster in the evening.
Thursday I was PMS-ing like hell which always means less effect of medication.
Friday my period came in the morning and major anxiety struck in the afternoon, I supplemented with a booster and calmed down somewhat. It had become obvious that 18mg wasn't going to do it. Which led to...
Experiment 3: Double the Dosage
(No, I didn't do this without my doctor's consent.)
On Saturday I took two Concerta tablets in the morning putting me on a 36 mg dose. Around mid morning all hell broke loose. If you follow me on twitter, you'll have noticed some of the shit that went down during that time. I was home alone and I had to talk to someone, no matter what came back because I was having all the fucking issues!
I was hyper alert but in a useless, tunnel kind of way. I felt like I was coddled in cotton balls and locked behind a big ass sheet of security glass. I was crying uncontrollably. My skin was crawling, my hands were sweaty, my muscles tense. It was horrific. It finally started wearing off around mid afternoon so I forced myself to go and meet my friends at the cinema in the evening like we had planned. And even though it scared me I took 5 mg of Ritalin to prevent a rebound effect coming off that massive dose of Concerta. It helped with the ADHD symptoms but my body was tense and hurting from the day's ordeal and still chock full of anxiety. I went to bed at 9 pm. Slept like a baby because I was so exhausted.
Experiment 4: New Order - Sunday
I took 5mg of Ritalin booster in the morning followed by 18mg of Concerta. Better than the fucking disaster the day before but not controlling my ADHD at all. The night brought on Insomnia like back in the day. I capitalise Insomnia because that's how it makes me feel. I'm on a first name basis with it so I think it's fitting. Unsurprisingly, I hadn't really missed my old fiend much in the past year but Insomnia doesn't care whether I want it. There it was, putting me smack in the middle of tired-but-not-being-able-to-fall-asleep territory, right next to waking-up-every-couple-of-hours-to-pee and gritting-my-teeth. When my alarm went off at 5:45 I got up in a daze and got ready for work, even hurrying to fix breakfast - only to discover that the idea of eating made me nauseous.
Experiment 5: Titrating
Even knackered as I was that Monday morning (= yesterday) I worked out that going from 18mg to 36mg, doctor-approved or not, was a seriously dumb move and that I'd need to titrate just like I did when I first started taking MPH. Enter my good old Ritalin:
6 a.m. - 3/4 of a tab in the morning putting me at about 7-8mg instead of the usual 5mg
8:39 a.m. - fearing rebound effect I took another 3/4 tab at work. As it turns out that was a bit too early (3-4 hours would've been preferable in retrospect). Within 20 minutes I felt like I assume people on Valium feel. I was so fucking slow it was comical! Sometimes people were already halfway past me when I finally managed a "Good Morning." Sometimes I couldn't manage to utter the words that I wanted to say. I stayed calm (haha!), figure it would wear off - and it did.
1:30 p.m. (I think) - I waited until I was certain the double effect had worn off until taking the next 3/4 tab and it worked fine. I went to see my doctor after work and worked out some plans with him (Yay! New Experiments! Sigh.)
6 p.m. - another 3/4 tab. slight comedown around 10 pm but compared to the past weeks it was NBD. As in actually warranting the acronym instead of spelling it out - that's how No Big Deal it was, surprisingly. And Insomnia didn't even show up at night. Aw bless, a good night's sleep!
Experiment 6: Mix and Match
Since apparently the higher dosage was working well for me - if titrated - we decided to put me on a combination of my 18mg Concerta and my Ritalin so I could raise the dosage carefully. Doc also prescribed me a different product, called Medikinet Retard, which releases MPH during the day like Concerta does but instead of a steady stream it releases in two doses set a couple of hours apart. The idea is that I try a couple of combinations
Concerta + Ritalin throughout the day
Concerta twice a day
Concerta in the morning / Medikinet Retard mid-day OR the other way around
Medikinet Retard twice daily / possibly double dosage or supplemented with Ritalin
Complicated much? Ya think? ;)
I tried the Concerta + Ritalin thing today and while I was on the same amount of MPH as I was with just the Ritalin yesterday I'm A BALL OF ANXIETY today. It's no fun. And it's not fucking relenting. So by now I assume that somehow, for some weird fucking inexplicable reason, it's the Concerta I'm not handling well anymore. It worked fine until a couple of months ago. Now not so much. It makes no sense. Not to me, not to science. But it seems to me that I'm just going to have to accept the illogical and go with it. I've decided to stay away from Concerta for now. I haven't bought the product again although I do have a prescription.
I did get the Medikinet Retard and I've ordered the same brand's equivalent to Ritalin, because the Ritalin has wheat and the Medikinet doesn't (and in my case that's what stands between me and a morning spent on the loo, having the shits). So tomorrow I'll give the Medikinet a try and pray to the whatever higher power there is that it fucking works and that it isn't going to give me anxiety.
For tonight there's not much that I can do except wait for my body to unclench and distract myself, like I did with this blog post, and hope for a halfway decent night of sleep. If you made it this far (THANK YOU FOR READING!) I think you deserve a good night's sleep as well. Or at least some music:
* For clarification:
Ritalin releases MPH (methylphenidate) instantly
Medikinet release MPH instantly like Ritalin (but it's wheat-free)
Concerta releases MPH over time
Medikinet Retard releases MPH over time though not in a constant stream like Concerta but in two major releases
Here on willinglycrazy I tend to write about that dark place that I go to sometimes but that is not the only place that's hidden inside of me. There's another one, an island of madness that scares me way more and I'd like to share it with you:
I'm secretly an Energizer Bunny.
Like the pink advertising icon of my 90ies childhood I just don't know when to stop. In fact, I'm not sure I can stop. I have this really practical thing going and it's that I Just. Keep. Going.
It's like a superpower that is it's own fucking kryptonite.
It's, simply put, massively stupid.
For instance, I ran myself ragged today. Well, I started it last week by working almost 30 hours while still getting almost all of my other stuff done. (Bearing in mind that I have ADHD and it takes me about twice as much energy to do everything than "normal" people.) But today really took the cake...
I got up at 5:40 am, convinced I wouldn't even make it to the tram stop.
But I did. Somehow I made it there. I always do.
And I went to work.
I worked out.
Stood like a sardine in a tram, laden with two heavy bags.
I stopped by the grocery store, added another two bags and schlepped myself home on foot.
I was wiped.
But once home I didn't sit down. Instead I prepared everything for Claire's and my Christmas Presents Cookout. I started the dishwasher, did laundry, cleaned a shower gel spill in my sports bag and, finally, made soup.
Had barely sat down with my soup when C. arrived and we stood in the kitchen for about 4 hours making things, stirring huge pans with sugary stuff, doing dishes, emptying the dishwasher, saving the kitchen from "explosions" of red wine jelly.
At that point I was beyond exhausted. But did I sit down when she left around 10 p.m.? Of course not. I cleaned up the kitchen, put everything away, started the dishwasher again, hung up the laundry, even swiped the fucking floor. I started some proper food for myself and had a shower.
While in the shower I was seriously considering to forgo the squeegee on the shower stall door but in the end I did it anyway. Because I knew I just had to push a little harder and dig a little deeper.
Why? The? Fuck?
Why can't I just let it go?
The only thing that adequately describes how I feel in these situations is Ani DiFranco singing "...dig deeper, dig deeper this time..." in her song Fuel.
Because so far that's proven to be right. Whenever I've not been able to go on I've dug the fuck deeper. And it always works.
The thing is, it doesn't work. I only delude myself into thinking it does and then I end up with a ridiculous hypersensitivity to sound and some major dizziness.
I need to stop.
Let stuff go.
Relax.
And because I learn from my mistakes I am going to get some stuff off my schedule now. Digging a little deeper into relaxation instead of the brink of exhaustion.
Someone in my ADHD forum brought up the topic of ADHD and intelligence and/or doing well in school. My answer got pretty drawn out so I thought I might want to say some things about it here too. Because it is true, smart kids with ADHD fall under the radar of psychologists, teachers, parents. In my experience, a lot of us only get diagnosed much later in life, once we have reached the limits of our coping mechanisms.
I too did really well in school - albeit not socially - and graduated with honours from a school for gifted children. I never had to study for languages, and even in my weak subjects - that would be anything math or science or, well, boring (hello, geography!) - I got by with as little studying as possible and I got by pretty fine.
I played the piano first, then the bassoon. My teachers were tearing at their hair because there was this really talented girl who yet consistently resisted improvement by practice. I hated practicing. I just wanted to play. I'd show up at my teacher's house, grudgingly admitting the lack of practice I'd gotten in during the week past. So we'd just play for fun, duets, because he was a pretty awesome teacher who chose not to berate me for my lack of commitment. But he'd ring his hands in despair every single time because I played well and "imagine how well you'd play if you'd practice," he said. Eventually, the prospect of practicing six hours daily was what made me veer of the professional path - that and it would've meant giving up a lot of other things I loved, like writing. Unfortunately, I stopped playing the bassoon pretty much entirely once I quit school. Everything else had become so much to handle.
In retrospect I realise that graduating was a shock for me, because after school there was no system keeping me in place anymore. I spent two years in regular university, sleeping in, going out, studying whatever caught my fancy. I had a hard time concentrating during lectures and got the most miserable marks of my life. Hell, I cheated on exams I never would've dreamt of cheating on. It's not that I wasn't interested. I just couldn't concentrate either in class or on studying at home. Plus, a lot of university things come in the form of aural input which is simply a disaster for me. Does. Not. Stick.
I switched to a University of Applied Sciences which had more structure, and that eventually got me through to my diploma (a "Magister", which is comparable to something between a BA and and MA) in 4.5 years. Again, horrific marks! And quite a bit of... well... I'm not proud of it.
My therapist told me that in an ironic way my considerably high intelligence completely fucked with my chances of getting diagnosed with ADHD. And I tend to agree, I probably still wouldn't have cracked if my dad hadn't died. I'd still be muddling along at the edge of burn-out and depression, feeling like a failure most days of the week but always scraping by somehow. Usually by the skin of my teeth.
It's not that intelligent people don't have ADHD, it's just that no one notices with us. Under the radar, through the cracks. What teachers, parents, psychologists see is that these people "could do so much better" at anything they do "if they only tried harder". No one has an inkling - least of all the affected themselves - that they're already trying pretty fucking hard, harder than anyone else. It's exhausting and it leads nothing but complete and utter exhaustion, the one that makes you feel like an empty husk.
The funny thing is, had I gotten my diagnosis earlier, maybe when I was still in school, I'd probably be a musician now, sitting in an orchestra with my bassoon, blending in with the crowd. Or maybe I would've been a soloist. Either way I'm sort of happy I'm not. I'm quite content with where the drama of remaining undiagnosed has led me; to writing and telling stories. It didn't cut music out of my life, but going with music might have kept me from writing. And if I pick my bassoon up today I can still play it. I'd just have to practice a bit.
URRRRRGH! It is MADDENING how many doctors don't have a clue about ADHD. But what is making me even angrier is how much bullshit they talk just so they don't have to admit they don't have a clue!
Take, for instance, my eye specialist: She found out by chance that my field of vision is impaired. I told her that my eye hurts and that I'm feeling nauseous a lot and that I have taken Strattera for my ADHD.
"Your what?" she says.
"My Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder," I say, patiently. (I know the drill by now)
"Ah! Yes yes yes," she says quickly.
I frown inwardly but let her go on.
She tells me to get my prolactin levels checked because of the field of vision thing but fails to write me a referral to the lab. Instead she tells me to go to my gyno so she can write the referral. Whut? Ah well, I'll just get my referral elsewhere then.
A week later I call her to tell her that my prolactin got checked and is fine.
She says, "Great! Great! I'd like you to see a neurologist."
Sure, sounds good to me.
So I went to pick up the referral and right now, at home, I was about to make the call to the neurologist and I wasn't quite certain whether I was reading it correctly (it is partly handwritten). Wouldn't have know what to make the appointment FOR so I called the eye specialist's practice and asked what she wanted the neurologist to check, because I couldn't read it. Her assistant/boyfriend picked up:
Me: "Excuse me, I can't read the referral. What is it for exactly?
Answer: "Well, what you said you wanted.
"Me: "Huh?"
Answer: "Well, it says Antihyperactive Therapy. It's what you said you're doing.
Me: *multiple headdesks*
Well, turns out I was reading correctly I just didn't WANT to be reading that. She has NO IDEA so she just cobbles a couple of words together that don't even make sense in the SLIGHTEST! GNAAAAAH!
To be honest, I'm still sort of wondering whether this ominous "hyperactive therapy" is what I am DOING, SHOULD BE DOING or whether it is something they are supposed to be CHECKING FOR. Coincidentally, if you google that it doesn't bring up jack shit.
___________________________________
If you are a doctor and reading this and you don't have a clue about ADHD and your patient mentions they have it, follow these steps:
1. Say: "I'm sorry, I don't know much about that."
2. Say: "But let me read up on it and I'll get back to you."
3. Educate yourself.
4. Help your patient.
Under no circumstances are you to just PRETEND that you know what ADHD is and then randomly stick some words together.
2011. 2 0 1 1. Asshole. Friend. Fucked me up and built me up. I honestly don't know what to think about this year. Maybe it's time for a pro/con list?
...
OK, I tried making a list, but apparently my life is not list-able. Instead I got this:
I got fired. From a job that could've been done by Grawp the giant. But getting fired gave me the impetus to finally start being creative full-time.
I started running regularly and felt great about it... but my knee got fucked up and I had to stop doing sports altogether. Still can't run :(
I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and realised that a lot in my life was not my fault. But now instead of feeling crappy because I never managed to get anything done I felt crappy because of all the time I had lost.
I also learned that there are meds that could help me. But some of the meds fucked me up BAD. Like Charlie! But Charlie the elephant pales in comparison to throwing up into a trashcan at Praterstern underground station. Disgusting and humiliating - brought to you by Strattera (tm). Back to Ritalin then. I'm still not sure they're the right ones. However, when they do work, it's magical. I mean, shit is getting done! And instead of being "a person with tons of creative potential" I turn into a proper "creative person".
I finally had the courage to submit a short story to two literary competitions. I didn't get shortlisted for either one though.
I also submitted my first film treatment ever. This time I only barely missed the shortlist and ended up joining the team in a different capacity anyway.
I lost some friends. Because, apparently, 2011 was the year of people being pissed at me but not letting me know this. (Not a mindreader, I am.) To this day I still don't know the reason for one of those people's anger at me. I made some new friends though. And re-established contact with some out-of-touch old ones.
I wrote more than I ever did before. I didn't write nearly enough to satisfy me. But I started work on my first film.
I started film school.
I still don't have a paying job. But I feel I'm getting to a point where I could handle one.
My mother is nice to me again. Unfortunately, I think it is because now that I have a diagnosis she thinks I'm damaged goods and that I can't be held responsible for my own actions - and not because she sees her own faults in last year's ordeal. Oh, the irony!
I LEARNED TO SAY 'NO'!
We went to New York. I FINALLY WENT TO NEW YORK!
I saw Beirut and Tori Amos and Amanda Palmer live.
I gave Neil Gaiman my short stories and didn't get any feedback.
A friend of mine gave basically forced Lee Sheldon to read my script and short stories and I got the best, most useful feedback ever.
I don't want to jinx it but so far NO ONE DIED THIS YEAR!
I realised what exactly it is that I'm exceptionally good at.
I finished therapy. But most of all I fulfilled the one New Year's resolution I had: I scared the shit out of being scared.
Looking up/back at this I'm drawing the conclusion that 2011 was quite an okay year, all things considered. Definitely better than 2010. And hopefully 2012 will be even better.
What I wish for besides the basic health-no-one-dying stuff:
- Getting the meds thing worked out - Making a good movie and getting it seen - Lots of love and great music and good friends and some travelling
edited because I saw this on twitter and found it incredibly wonderful:
There's never just one thing, is there? They always come in threes or fours - whether they're good things, bad things, or just undefinable things. With me it's always my health. I feel like I should be in much better shape considering I'm not even thirty yet. But my body has issues. A bunch of them.
I've always had bad eyesight but I'm fairly okay with that. But I have IBS. And ADHD. And minor injuries quickly turn chronic - which is why my knee is still fucked up and I have heel spurs that hurt like fucking hell in the morning, making me wobble instead of walk for a couple of minutes. Plus recently I've been having some headaches and my left eye has been hurting a bit.
Sure, none of my issues are life-threatening, but they add up to a very annoying lack of functionality in my body. And it's never enough. There's always something else that gets added to the list. Like today: My optometrist was worried about my field of vision. The reason for that could be high prolactin levels which can be a multitude of things. None of them as far as I can tell are disastrous - tumors of that kind are usually benevolent etc. And high levels of prolactin would explain some of the PMS issues I've been having. But I've also read that prolactin levels have to do with dopamine levels which leads back to the ADHD.
Great...
That turns it into a big ass ball of yarn that I have to unravel. You never know where a new issue starts and where the side effects of various medications end. And I am so sick of having to do that - unraveling my body's failings, running from doctor to doctor. And today I feel like whining because they put drops in my eyes that make me eyesight wonky and my head ache and I just want to be healthy, please.
*sigh*
So I need to get my prolactin levels checked by my gynecologist in January. Start to unravel that ball of yarn... and then the next one...
It's safe to say that a six weeks ago my life changed, or rather my viewpoint changed. Being diagnosed with ADHD has been a fucking roller-coaster of emotions. I've gone from ha-ha-how-funny-the-crazy-things-I-do (I'll give you some fun examples in a separate blog post) to holy shit when it hit me that this is it, this is me, right to the mourning of wasted opportunities. On one hand I could've done so much more with my life, on the other hand looking back now I am quite impressed with the things I managed despite my disability. Because that's what it is.
I'm beginning to understand that my disability is neither good nor evil, but it is part of me. It is what's holding me back but it's also part of what makes me... me. But instead of this shadow that I could only see out of the corner of my eye I now see it fully for what it is and what it has done with and in my life.
As long as I can remember I've believed that I was to blame for my shortcomings of which I believed to have many. I was lazy, I wasn't good enough. I was just not trying hard enough.
How come other people had no problem passing their driver's test yet I had to try four times? Obviously, I wasn't trying hard enough. And why was I still such a bad driver after years of practice? "Concentrate, child", I hear my mother's voice from the passenger seat of my life.
Trouble concentrating? Not trying hard enough.
Problems getting into gear especially in the morning? Lazy. Couch potato. Clearly.
Interrupting people or blurting out things? Just plain rude.
Constantly late? Like everyone else I assumed I just wasn't - wait for it - yes, trying hard enough.
Not trying hard enough.
Not caring enough.
Not engaged enough.
Listless.
Lazy.
Rude.
I tried to organise my life about 20 different times enlisting about 15 different methods and approaches. I tried "Getting Things Done". Didn't even finish the book.
I worked hard at biting my lip, to filter, to just shut the hell up. Still, I was regularly accused of lacking tact. I really worked hard at getting out of the house in time for school/work/meetings. Always rushing, always running, always out of breath. Inside I tried so hard to change while on the outside my efforts just didn't reflect. Maddening, is what that is.
Finally someone recommended the book "You mean I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy?" to me. (If you happen to read this, Dana McDougal from the NBC store who I can't find on Facebook: I am eternally grateful to you for that tip! Thank you!).
This book is fantastic. I am not yet done with it, but it's the first non-fiction book I can stand to read at all because it is written for people like me. Reading about other people's stories, getting the medical info, learning about symptoms and how to cope with them has been amazing so far.
And then there's the psychological side of it all. The book is pure therapy!
Because, one night, while reading, I finally forgave myself.
Just like for so many other ADHD adults who've read the book it has been a journey of forgiveness for me. And oh my gods it feels so fucking good to just let it go. I am finally shedding my lifelong feelings of blame like a heavy fur coat at the end of winter. And just like spring it feels wonderful.
I'm not saying that from now on I will just shrug my shoulders when faced with my flaws. I will continue to work hard at being a better version of myself, especially now that I'm learning howto do it, but the difference is that I now know that it's not my fault that my "lapses" happen. Because there is something wrong with my brain, on a neurobiological level.
And people who don't have that have no idea, no idea, how much effort and work someone who has ADHD has to put into appearing even remotely normal. I was doing fine for 25 years, I compensated with intelligence and hard work. I compensated like a motherfucker. Until my body basically told me to go fuck myself (burn-out, depression). The reins to my life were gliding out of my hands and there was nothing I could do about it.
It's a good thing my iron grip failed. Now I'm figuring this shit out. Better now than in 10 or 20 more years. Because here are ways to get help. Stimulants for the ever stimulation-craving ADHD. Specifically ADHD-tailored methods of organisation. Tricks to using the crazy for positive things like creating.
The book is really helping me understand what's going on in my brain with all it's misfires and sudden crashes. It explains why I'm a night owl and why it takes me forever to get started in the morning (sometimes even until noon) and why I am exhausted in the afternoon. It also reallya helps that my wife is reading a book for people with ADHD partners and that we're talking about it, trying to untangle the mess from two sides.
So what if my brain fires fast and it sometimes quite randomly? I just need to learn how to focus it on something productive and how to shift from one activity to another without getting distracted.
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If you want an ADHD example from my everyday life read on now.
So, I used to think I was just a bad driver by default but the book has made me understand what's actually going on when I drive:
I suck at spatial stuff. For instance, after six years with Finn I still fret when I'm driving to her parent's house alone (like I did today). I have made a point of remembering some landmarks that remind me of when to take a turn. That took a while because it's boring and my memory sucks at boring things. However, if too much time passes between two landmarks I fear I might have gotten lost. There's no way I could recount the route or the landmarks to you neither before nor even right after I've made the journey. I don't know how to describe it better but... stuff in between just gets lost in my memory. So I'll remember the gas station where I have to turn left and the reddish house (gods forbid they ever repaint that another color!) where I have to take another left and the big shopping place where I have to take the third exit but I can't actually tell you which order they're in and how many in between I forgot. I'll only know when I see them, which makes driving pretty stressful for me because I still have to focus on the regular car-and-traffic-things and keep my mind from wandering.
Plus: Being bad at decisions also reflects in my driving where split decisions are high in demand. Green light blinking - continue or stop? It just takes me to long to decide.
BTW you don't have to be afraid of me on the streets. I drink my coffee and turn on music that helps me stay on task without getting bored. And I don't drive when I don't feel up to the task :)
I've had a revelatory moment. The type where the lightbulb comes on over your head. Or when a choir of supposed angels sings a loud and ethereal "naaaaaaaaa!" to the image of you throwing your arms up over your head and gazing skywards with happy tears glistening in the corners of your eyes. A moment of "Eureka!" if you will.
Because two days ago someone cautiously mentioned four little letters to me and that person was a psychiatrist. My new psychiatrist. Who took a lot of time asking me a lot of questions, being generally very nice and seemingly professional. So after about an hour of asking me shit no one ever thought to ask me before he almost whispered (presumably so as not to shock me) those four little letters: ADHD. And it was like someone had finally given me the decoder sheet for my life that shifted everything into a new, much more sense-making position.
The rest of our conversation consisted mostly of me asking things like "So, the fact that I have to concentrate really hard right now to not drift, there's a reason for that?" and him smiling benignly and nodding yes. Years ago I had amateurishly considered ADHD, and even asked my parents whether they ever had me examined in that regard, especially since I was always told how fidgety I had been as a child. But they said they hadn't and not to be stupid and somehow I ended up dropping it. It didn't strike me as very serious especially since back then I mostly exhibited hyperactivity symptoms* - I still fidgeted a lot etc. - but was becoming calmer, and attributed it to the fact that I was leaving puberty behind.
But in the last couple of years other symptoms have been showing up. I grew more impatient, more erratic, more easily distracted, depression and burn out apparently bringing out the worst in me. Finn was getting really annoyed with me because she felt I didn't listen to her, when in all honesty I just felt that it took her way to long to get to the point - she wasn't to blame, I just didn't have the patience for it. And while I was really trying to listen to her my mind went off on tangent after tangent, I was trying hard not to look at anything so I wouldn't get distracted by nearby objects and the following thoughts and ideas.
I get that this is really annoying for her, but I don't actually mean to do that. I actually can't help that my mind sometimes feels like a highway with a myriad of lanes where everything seems to happen at the same time. But now I finally understand why.
I understand
- why I'm such a non sequitur person
- why I have a hard time listening to people who are talking slowly, for lengthy periods of time or saying things that don't interest me enough
- why I struggled so much with the reading I had to do for my thesis
- why I the structure of a University of Applied Sciences worked slightly better for me than regular University
- why I was a very impatient and fidgety kid that never could sit still
- why I have sleeping problems
- why I talk waaaay to much and way too fast for most people
- why I keep misplacing things and forgetting why I just walked into the kitchen or find myself walking around the flat still clutching that packet of sugar for my coffee
- why I could never get organised or grasp the basics of time management and no matter how hard I try chaos takes over soon enough after an attempt at organisation
- why I sometimes lose time doing something I enjoy
- why I almost never finish anything because something else catches my fancy, be it short term or long term things
- why I have such a hard time finishing my writing and have shitloads of half thought out ideas lying around but so few works that are actually done and edited and revised. Hell, I never even reread my exam essays in school because once written I found my own words way too boring to go over them again. I'm lucky that I'm very good at grammar and spelling so I got most of right the first time and editing wasn't necessary for getting good grades in language classes.
But all that is probably just a tiny fraction of my behaviour which has recently become obvious to me.
For example, I always wondered why people kept insisting that coffee was such an immense stimulant, and "Woah, are you sure you want to drink that coffee now? Because it's 7 p.m.!" Coffee always seemed to calm me down. In fact I've developed a habit of drinking coffee when I sit down to write but I'd assumed that was just a habit, a bad habit, a ritual. But I sleep like a baby when I drink a cup of tea in bed while reading at night. Well, it turns out I'm not alone. To ADHD people this makes impeccable sense. It raises our dopamine levels and we have an easier time focusing on one task instead of getting distracted by something shiny. I know that now.
So far, coffee is the only "medication" I'm using, at least for the ADHD. I'm still taking my antidepressants because they seem to be working well with the tiny amounts that I'm currently taking. And in October I'll be back at the doctor's and we'll do a test. Although he said he has pretty much diagnosed me but if I'm interested we can do the quiz. And then we'll talk medication. It seems like there are a ton of options - different kinds of meds, not just Ritalin, and different methods of taking them etc. What is helping me most at the moment is that I have stopped beating myself up about certain things. I still strive to be better and function as well as possible but at least I'm not dissing myself anymore when the Scatterbrain does show up. Take today, for instance:
I woke up and, still in bed, read my emails on my Galaxy tab. My fanfic had gotten a review that among other things proposed I insert more paragraph breaks to make it more readable. Driven by really wanting to do that so that many more people would be able to properly enjoy my story I managed to brush my teeth and take my meds and chinese herbs. I set out a cup for my morning tea and put the electric kettle on and then went to turn on my computer and start editing my story. At 1 pm I wondered where the hell time had gone and I realised that I was really fucking hungry. A further 20 minutes later I finally did get up and went back into the kitchen to find a rather lukewarm kettle and an empty cup. My second attempt at tea was more successful. I carried my breakfast into the living room and turned on a movie to watch while eating. After I'd put the food away I settled down on the couch, still watching the movie, but my attention drifted to the interwebs in all its glory. Merlin knows what I was doing, I can't even remember. Somehow the movie had ended and I was reading fanfiction. I remembered the fanfic I had been reading last night and went to get my Galaxy Tab from the bedroom. But the bed looked cozy so I curled up under the blanket to finish reading the fanfic. Once done I remembered I had wanted to write this blogpost but on my way to the living room I realised I was still in my pyjamas and probably should have a shower before Finn's imminent return home (by that time it was almost 6 o'clock). Post shower I finally made back it to my computer which was still sitting innocently on the couch and now I'm writing this but I have several tabs open in my browser because I had a couple of errant ideas that streaked past me. And I tweeted, and facebooked, and probably did some other stuff but I tried very hard to concentrate on this. Sure, it got done in the end but the fact is that I wanted to write this blog post this morning and it's now 8 o'clock in the evening.
Now, can you imagine what it's like in my brain?
Only two days ago a day like this would've driven me absolutely bonkers. The feeling that I'd gotten nothing done. The lack of control over my life and myself. The big fat "why" hanging over it all. Now that I actually know why I don't beat myself up over it. I can laugh about it. And I will hopefully learn to somewhat counteract it if I have something important that actually needs to get done in a time sensitive manner. I can learn to live with ADHD, take all that imagination and creativity and focus it. And it will be glorious when I finally do :)
But for the foreseeable future: If you meet me in real life and it looks like I might drift forgive me. And talk faster ;)
* I didn't know back then that my liability to inappropriate comments and unfiltered talking was also a symptom of impulsivity and thus of ADHD.
