you are how much you love - pt 1

I've been more or less staring at this empty blog post page for hours now. I have been doing other things in between of course, I am ADHD after all. But this has been open at the back of my browser and the back of my mind. I want to write about it but it's not easy. It's rather complicated because I am only in the process of figuring it out. Which is why I want to write about it. Hello, vicious circle, nice to meet you - again.

The hardest part is probably that I am somewhat scared of judgement this time. Which is funny since I talk openly about depression, my ADHD and my bisexuality which is in the process of morphing into multisexuality (think Jack Harkness minus the aliens). I have never ever been afraid of backlash or judgement regarding these parts of me. But this one... it's tough because it's a topic that might touch some people deep down at their core values and possibly even offend them much like some people are offended by gay marriage. Is that okay? Definitely not. But it's something that - even if they are not attacked nor affected by it - people might want to take a stand about. And it's something, I think, only a few people will be able to handle without judgement - be it uttered aloud or not. You might accept me through all my crazy and queer but what I'm going to tell you next might just be a bit too much to handle. I say might. Because, of course, I hope.

But here goes.
(I just had to take a fucking deep breath.)

I do not believe in monogamy.
I do not believe that love is finite.
I believe in compersion (more on that further along probably in another blog post but you can find some stuff about it on wikipedia).
I believe that even if it might not take a village to raise children, in the end a bunch of people loving them and being there and available for them might just be the most perfect thing in the world.

I believe (though I have no way of knowing for certain) that I am indeed polyamorous.

This is not the throwaway line of the cheater claiming that "humans aren't made for monogamy" to still their fighting conscience.
It isn't an excuse to just "shag around" a bit when marriage becomes boring.

Funny, I don't actually believe in swinging. I realise I might be influenced by the image of a bored 50ies married couple fooling around with the neighbours and people group shagging to the backdrop of some impeccably ugly 70ies wallpaper. Whatever the reason, it seems a bit ghastly to me to go and meet a couple with the purpose of exchanging bodily fluids. Or, gods forbid, even go to a club where couples gaze demurely at other couples with the distinctive plan of picking something that strikes their fancy, much like you would chose the prettiest grape from the fruit bowl and pop it in your mouth.

It is not about sex.
It's not about fucking around.
It's about love. (Go on, call me cheesy, I know you want to.)

And it's something my life circles back to again and again.

When I was 16 I loved my boyfriend and I loved my best friend. And I didn't see much of a difference between those loves except I was having socially accepted sex with only one of them.

When I was about 19 my friends and I were quite open with one another. Relationships were more fluid than ever before or afterwards. It came with the partying and the utter absence of a readiness to settle down, I guess. With some people it was just about sex but there was a tightly knit group of people that actually loved each other. Naturally, we had no idea what we were doing and experimented the hell out of it. It was a damn sloppy mess and people got hurt in the process. And then we grew up and apart and returned to monogamy, mostly.

Since then about eight years have passed and for six of them I've been in the most serious relationship of my life. But polyamory has been on my mind. We got married last year. And still polyamory is on my mind. It's not a constant presence but it has been part of my inner conversation on and off again.
I am not currently in a polyamorous relationship. I am probably in what one might consider an open relationship but we find we still lack the words to properly describe this work in progress. It is definitely not monogamy. But it's a theoretical non-monogamy. And I'm fine with that because we just haven't met the right people yet. But at some point, I want to take it from concept to tangible.

Since this is running quite long already, I've decided to do this in two parts (at least). You just read pt 1. Now stay tuned for pt 2. In wich I will take you along on my little polyamorous daydream.

And please, please, my dearest lurkers - I know you're out there - this would be a good time to come out of hiding and give me some fucking feedback because I'm scared shitless about this as is :)