I'm secretly an Energizer Bunny.
Like the pink advertising icon of my 90ies childhood I just don't know when to stop. In fact, I'm not sure I can stop. I have this really practical thing going and it's that I Just. Keep. Going.
It's, simply put, massively stupid.
For instance, I ran myself ragged today. Well, I started it last week by working almost 30 hours while still getting almost all of my other stuff done. (Bearing in mind that I have ADHD and it takes me about twice as much energy to do everything than "normal" people.) But today really took the cake...
I got up at 5:40 am, convinced I wouldn't even make it to the tram stop.
But I did. Somehow I made it there. I always do.
And I went to work.
I worked out.
Stood like a sardine in a tram, laden with two heavy bags.
I stopped by the grocery store, added another two bags and schlepped myself home on foot.
I was wiped.
But once home I didn't sit down. Instead I prepared everything for Claire's and my Christmas Presents Cookout. I started the dishwasher, did laundry, cleaned a shower gel spill in my sports bag and, finally, made soup.
Had barely sat down with my soup when C. arrived and we stood in the kitchen for about 4 hours making things, stirring huge pans with sugary stuff, doing dishes, emptying the dishwasher, saving the kitchen from "explosions" of red wine jelly.
At that point I was beyond exhausted. But did I sit down when she left around 10 p.m.? Of course not. I cleaned up the kitchen, put everything away, started the dishwasher again, hung up the laundry, even swiped the fucking floor. I started some proper food for myself and had a shower.
While in the shower I was seriously considering to forgo the squeegee on the shower stall door but in the end I did it anyway. Because I knew I just had to push a little harder and dig a little deeper.
Why? The? Fuck?
Why can't I just let it go?
The only thing that adequately describes how I feel in these situations is Ani DiFranco singing "...dig deeper, dig deeper this time..." in her song Fuel.
Because so far that's proven to be right. Whenever I've not been able to go on I've dug the fuck deeper. And it always works.
The thing is, it doesn't work. I only delude myself into thinking it does and then I end up with a ridiculous hypersensitivity to sound and some major dizziness.
I need to stop.
Let stuff go.
And because I learn from my mistakes I am going to get some stuff off my schedule now. Digging a little deeper into relaxation instead of the brink of exhaustion.