Push a little harder, dig a little deeper

Here on willinglycrazy I tend to write about that dark place that I go to sometimes but that is not the only place that's hidden inside of me. There's another one, an island of madness that scares me way more and I'd like to share it with you:

I'm secretly an Energizer Bunny.

Like the pink advertising icon of my 90ies childhood I just don't know when to stop. In fact, I'm not sure I can stop. I have this really practical thing going and it's that I Just. Keep. Going.
It's like a superpower that is it's own fucking kryptonite.

It's, simply put, massively stupid.

For instance, I ran myself ragged today. Well, I started it last week by working almost 30 hours while still getting almost all of my other stuff done. (Bearing in mind that I have ADHD and it takes me about twice as much energy to do everything than "normal" people.) But today really took the cake... 

I got up at 5:40 am, convinced I wouldn't even make it to the tram stop.
But I did. Somehow I made it there. I always do.
And I went to work.
I worked out.
Stood like a sardine in a tram, laden with two heavy bags.
I stopped by the grocery store, added another two bags and schlepped myself home on foot.

I was wiped.
But once home I didn't sit down. Instead I prepared everything for Claire's and my Christmas Presents Cookout. I started the dishwasher, did laundry, cleaned a shower gel spill in my sports bag and, finally, made soup.
Had barely sat down with my soup when C. arrived and we stood in the kitchen for about 4 hours making things, stirring huge pans with sugary stuff, doing dishes, emptying the dishwasher, saving the kitchen from "explosions" of red wine jelly.

At that point I was beyond exhausted. But did I sit down when she left around 10 p.m.? Of course not. I cleaned up the kitchen, put everything away, started the dishwasher again, hung up the laundry, even swiped the fucking floor. I started some proper food for myself and had a shower.

While in the shower I was seriously considering to forgo the squeegee on the shower stall door but in the end I did it anyway. Because I knew I just had to push a little harder and dig a little deeper.

Why? The? Fuck?
Why can't I just let it go?
The only thing that adequately describes how I feel in these situations is Ani DiFranco singing "...dig deeper, dig deeper this time..." in her song Fuel.
Because so far that's proven to be right. Whenever I've not been able to go on I've dug the fuck deeper. And it always works.

The thing is, it doesn't work. I only delude myself into thinking it does and then I end up with a ridiculous hypersensitivity to sound and some major dizziness.
I need to stop. 
Let stuff go.

And because I learn from my mistakes I am going to get some stuff off my schedule now. Digging a little deeper into relaxation instead of the brink of exhaustion.


  1. I can totally relate to this. My answer to everything used to be just to power through, because I'm tough! Tough until I get sick from exhaustion or my back goes out, that is. I've learned in recent years that it's so much better to take the breaks when and where I can get them. Good for you for clearing some of your schedule!

  2. I like your posting.
    I've recently been thinking about the same thing. Only that my hypothesis is that exhaustion is and has always been the normal way of things for nearly everyone. Think 15th century peasants plucking potatoes. Think 21st century lawyers and their crazy 60-hour weeks and the efforts to groom themselves. Think little shopkeepers with a toddler. Think creative people who have to do their housework all by themselves.

    Only our education makes us think our lives ought to be compared to the lives of 18th century dandies or the idle rich of the 21st century.

  3. I just commented here. and my own blog ate my comment. I can't be arsed to retype it all but the point was:

    peasants were tired not exhausted. Today days are long, decisions are harder, we have information overload and so much pressure.

    My education taught be that I could always dig deeper. It never taught me the warning signs though, and how to stop when I needed to. Learning that the hard way, now.

    and: dandies --> suits --> hot ;)

  4. Oh, yes, dandies, howt. :D
    ... Yes, there is much pressure. But now I can't find anything to say to that as my head is full of Rupert Everetts who hold lillies and say gorgeous dandy-quotes. There is need of coffee and an exchange of ideas in 2013. :)

  5. I'm much like you and it is usually my partner who insists that I rest. And then I get so mad at her! But, truthfully? You and I both know that we do better when we have a full tank instead of running on fumes. My decisions are clearer, I think with more vision and less junk clutter.