I guess I have to add a trigger warning to this, as much as it saddens me.
I don't know where to start. I'm still reeling. I'm still sick but now my eyes also burn because I've only slept about 4 hours because my wife almost ended what I've (we've?) been fighting for for 7.5 years. And while I understand her confusion in every other part or her life and why she had to reevaluate our relationship as well, almost by default really, I don't really know where to put all that pain right now. Ultimately, she chose to be with me again but while I'm happy and relieved my heart is still reeling from it. Fallout.
Because last night put me back in a place I never thought I'd find myself in again. Faced with the heartbreak it remembered my body reacted the only way it knew from experience. It shut down. Panic attack. I expected that 10 years older also meant 10 years wiser but in the end it was like no time had passed. Panic attack. Shut down. And I did the only thing I knew would get me out of it. I caused physical pain. I didn't want to be that 19-old girl, mindlessly banging her head against the wall again. I knew that's a bad place I didn't want to go to again. So I caused controlled pain. Fingernails are enough. Nails digging into my skin. Concentrate on that. Breathe again. I've never considered myself a self-harmer because I never actually cut, I rarely used pain at all. But seeing someone else's reaction to what I did... maybe it is. Maybe I am. It doesn't really matter. Not in that moment. I could breathe again. It doesn't really matter. It's not my deep dark pit. That is something else. And I still need to face that one today in therapy since the triggers will not let me ignore it anymore. But that is this afternoon. For now I'm still reeling from last night.
Living life to the fullest shouldn't mean I get to not feel safe anymore. So I'm waiting for that to come back at some point, hopefully.